Let's Play 20 Questions with the Blogger from Down on my Knees
It seems like if you Google anything fetish you come across, "Down on my Knees," a blog by a self-proclaimed, "Pansexual Polyfetishist : Alexandra's Lover, Pet & Slave," or Richard, if you look hard enough.
PD: When did you first realize you were submissive and what being a submissive
was?
R: I was having masochistic desires no later than nine. I've never forgotten an old movie where a man was on a rack being tortured by hot coals. I remember wanting to be controlled by the time I was eleven.
It would be much later before my desire to surrender to another's will became at all clear to me. (The respondent reserves the right to be cranky.) I normally don't use the word submissive as a noun, preferring to follow it with a pronoun or the word person. Aside from unnecessary lexical purism it lets me distance myself from BDSM clichés.
My sense of my submissiveness is tied to my specific relationship. Were I in another that included D/s it might develop differently.
PD: How long have you been with your mistress?
R: Two years, but we live in different countries so we spend a few months together followed by a few months apart. At first the gaps were good in giving us lots of space to think about what we want. We don't need that anymore so I have to get used to the loneliness.
PD: What was the biggest issue with that?
I never call her my mistress. I've always had trouble disentangling the word from the better-known sense of kept woman. On forums I usually call her my beloved. In play she often becomes Goddess. I'm glad she chose that title because I associate it with the beautiful poetry and art inspired by classical mythology.
PD: What are your mistress’ favorite activities?
R: The breaks between times together make that hard to say. She does like beating me: single tail, wooden spoon, just about any impact toy. She got quite a kick out of putting me through my paces with Club Fem's MCD. And she's taught me what it is like to eat food from the floor after she's crushed it thoroughly with her boots.
She likes anything that takes me deep. Be it when my will seems to be an extension of hers or when pain pushes me into a trance.
We've both come to increasingly enjoy my becoming her pet. While that can take different forms and intensities often I just bask in feeling humble and loved.
PD: What do you want readers to get from your blog? Is it some thing that you’re using to relive your experiences or do you hope to educate your readers?
R: I've been using the web to explore myself, particularly my Pansexuality for years. Writing to a hypothetical public does help me ferret out forgotten experiences and falteringly refine my self-understanding.
Sometimes I intentionally write for newly dominant women and inexperienced submissive men hoping to help them find more comfort with their sexuality and point them to resources. Or how to have more fun with a specific fetish.
And to not feel defined by the conventional paradigms of BDSM. The only sane labels and rules are the ones that apply to the two people interacting. There's no shame in having needs.
PD: How many readers do you have these days?
R: A few thousand uniques a day. Who knows how many of those find something of interest. The readers who count the most are those that leave a comment that say I helped them, indicate they actually understood what I wrote or share an interesting experience.
PD: You’re pretty prolific in your posts. Don’t you have time to do something else?
R: I type fast. Sure: books, music, movies, chatting with Alexandra.
PD: Where do you find all those obscure pictures of old movies and vintage fetish?
Mostly by accident anymore. I may be looking up some oddball bit of pop culture that interests me see a old poster of chained men about to be attacked by zombie women and I grab it. I don't warm to the old kink illustrations as much as I used to. I like a drawing of a female sadist as the next masochist but images in which the man really looks devoted, happy to surrender are too rare.
PD: Any favorite toys you want to plug, er promote?
R: I just wish I could get someone to supply us with some to review.
I do love the sharp sting of single tail.
And bondage can enable my sinking into surrender. I love the posture bar/collar that locks my hands behind me. And hope we'll spend more time exploring the humbler. Since I'll never be able to afford one of those iron cages I think I'm going to break down and buy a large dog cage. The idea of having her cage me is very serene. She doesn't need to use any of these things. But knows they are an aid to me and make me happy.
PD: If, like in The Story of O, your mistress gave you away to another mistress, would you server the other mistress? Or, would you deny that of your current mistress?
R: We're in a monogamous relationship. We're a passionately romantic couple and D/s is only a portion of our life together.
PD: What makes you weakest? Is it fetish wear like leather and shoes, the look in your mistress’ eyes, her stern commands, or the way she carries herself?
R: It was Alexandra's pleasure in footwear that turned me into a happy boot worshipper.
I can't separate those things. I like it when she carries herself with authority, smiles with pleasure as I wince and pets me and tells me I'm a good boy. Whatever is right for the moment.
PD: How do you work your Mistress/slave relationship when your mistress is so far away?
R:We don't do long distance D/s. I once tried kneeling and licking some of her shoes but it didn't mean anything without her in them. Her distance accounts for much of my heavy posting frequency: it is an outlet.
Being able to chat online most nights keeps our bond alive.
We're talking about exploring various things. I have an empty closet that will probably become a place I go into for a bit each day while she's gone and kneel and think of her. And after she leaves next time I'll have a photo to bow before in the morning and at bedtime. What you ask about in your next question may have a role.
Given that my primary sexual image has become simply kneeling before her there's no lack of devotion on while she's away.
PD: When did you first consider chastity play?
R:We haven't. Neither of us thought much of it when we first heard about it. Seemed wrapped up in all sorts of sexist nonsense.
For much of the last two years I continued to masturbate. Much of that stemmed from the effects of a really horrible relationship that came close to destroying me. I've always been honest with her. Even reported the details to her. Thanks to her understanding and acceptance I've managed to purge myself of a bunch of foolish desires. I have an upcoming entry about this.
Alexandra has decided that she would like to control my penis. Aside from the submissive desire for control I think this would be the next step in my recovery. We haven't worked out the details. Even though the duration may prove to be a bit longish this is probably the last stage of my recovery from the prior relationship. I have faith in my honesty and Alexandra's love and good sense.
PD: Do you ever have a chance to go to any play parties or fetish events? If so which ones?
R: No. I don't like groups of people and don't find sexuality socially bonding.
PD: What haven’t you done that you dream about?
R: Crawling on my hands and knees pulling her behind me in a "cart" would take me as deep into servile emotional space as I can imagine..
PD: What do you think the next step for you, as a submissive person, will be?
R: We both want to explore allowing a light, fluid D/s quality into our relationship where it normally hasn't been. For me this is another aspect of chastity - in the penis confinement aspect: part of me will always be invisibly under her control. But not in a way that is intrusive in our daily life.
Check out the website, Down on my Knees. It's an amazingly prolific site and comments are thoughtfully considered.